


Guilty Feet

by ParkeRose



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Communication, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:43:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29573379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParkeRose/pseuds/ParkeRose
Summary: “You’re not going to leave again, are you?”Jean glared at him. Kevin almost smiled at the irony in his question.---A development in their relationship, after two years spent apart.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Jean Moreau
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	Guilty Feet

**Author's Note:**

> The Kevjean or Jev fic, as promised. It's still not finished so I had to divide it into two parts, otherwise it was going to be a oneshot. I have very many feelings about this ship, I hope y'all enjoy. Or cry, or whatever. ;D. Yes, the title is from Careless Whisper.

The game should have been exciting.

The entire trip over to USC Kevin had been safely keeping his mind clear of any and every thought that wasn’t focused on the game. He had discussed the same plays with Neil so many times that eventually, out of sheer exhaustion, Neil had told Kevin to sleep the rest of the way. Kevin tried and tried but he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t think. 

Seeing him again was like a blow to the chest. 

The game should have been exciting. Instead, it was terrifying. 

They both played with strict professionalism, beaten into them from an early age. They knew how to put up a facade, knew how to lie almost as well as Neil did. 

They knew how to pretend. 

At least Kevin thought they did. 

When the game was over and they scattered to shake hands with the Trojans, he greeted Jeremy with a smile. A perfect, camera famous Kevin Day smile. Jeremy’s smile was just as wide and seemed perfectly genuine. Kevin was past feeling like a liar, he’d been lying all his life. Jean was standing behind him, looking perfectly stoic. 

He couldn’t hide when his hand met Jean’s again. He could see the blank expression on Jean’s face, and all the emotion in his eyes and Kevin thought after so long he wouldn’t be able to understand it. They had grown up together, under the same roof, on the same Court, with their hands in each other’s but the grip was strained now and Kevin’s smile faded, unable to keep up anymore. Jean looked at him and away, no words leaving his mouth. Kevin stayed resolutely silent as well and ignored the chaos of his teammates. 

They hadn’t spoken since Jean’s transfer but he hadn’t been past worry. One day he’d hesitantly walked up to Renee and asked her how Jean was settling in. Renee had smiled and told him the Trojan’s were taking good care of him and that if Kevin likes he could have Jean’s number but. But Kevin was sure more than anything that Jean did not want to speak with him. Jeremy had called him later, to ask a few questions about the Nest but nothing more than Kevin could handle because Jeremy was cautious like that. He’d asked for the sake of Jean and instead of feeling relieved, Kevin had felt empty. He wouldn’t believe anyone’s words until he heard from the man himself that he was alright. But, maybe he couldn’t cross that bridge anymore. He didn’t think he was welcome in Jean’s life in the easy way he had been when they were younger. 

Their memories were memories for a reason, their presence in each other’s lives had passed its days.

  
  


The Foxes headed to a club nearby after checking into their hotel. Jeremy had insisted that the teams gather together, because he wanted to celebrate the win, no matter whose it was. Kevin worried once more exactly how well Jean was adjusting to the Trojan’s boisterously warm presence. 

The club was packed on a Friday night and Kevin had trouble seeing past anyone. He situated himself against the farthest wall because there were too many people and too few chairs. Everyone would go dancing soon so he wasn’t bothered much, even though his legs hurt like they’d been trampled over. He was used to it. He leaned his head back and tried to blank his mind once again. All that played in his head was Jean’s face after the game. He shook his head free of the image, focusing instead on the oddly coloured lights and the tray of drinks Andrew was carrying towards them. The Trojan’s hadn’t arrived yet. Jeremy had sent Dan the location and knowing full well they would have all fallen asleep as soon as they settled down. Dan had ushered them out of the hotel immediately after they got dressed. The freshmen looked wary but excited, glad to be able to enjoy themselves. The older Foxes were lost in their normal chatter. Kevin walked towards where Andrew had set the tray and didn’t hesitate before grabbing a drink. Then, another. 

“He’s not planning on slowing down, is he?” Matt asked. 

“Doubt it”, Neil replied, looking slightly concerned. 

Kevin quirked his eyebrow at Neil and said, mockingly, “I’m fine.”

“Woah”, Dan and the others laughed as Neil rolled his eyes.

Kevin felt hot in his jacket but he wasn’t planning on taking it off and his mind was already far away from him. He took another drink and moved away from the group heading back to his corner and closing his eyes, trying to breathe. The music was loud enough to distract anyone but it wasn’t working. He squeezed his eyes shut, already feeling a headache creep in. Then, he heard Jeremy’s voice, followed by other unfamiliar greetings. His eyes opened, landing directly on Jean. 

Even in the dim light Kevin could tell all the ways he had changed. 

Kevin gave himself a moment to look before Jean noticed him. He’d cut his hair short and his clothes were nothing like what he used to wear when they were at the Nest. He looked healthier, like he was content, safe. Unhurt. Kevin let out a deep breath at the sight of him.

But there were some things that never changed, Kevin thought, as Jean’s unrelenting gaze searched the room and found his own. 

And why wouldn’t their eyes have met this way? Why would they look at anyone else when they had each other? They always had each other. Until Kevin had left, causing irreversible damage. Kevin didn’t look away from his guilt. 

They’d lived their lives away from each other. An incomplete image, an unfinished story. Kevin didn’t have the guts to face him. He tried to tell himself he did what he had to do and he couldn’t fault himself for leaving, but he’d only hoped. Hoped that he could have taken Jean with him that day. He blinked and Jean was gone. 

Kevin straightened and looked about. There he was. Talking to Jeremy who was leaning towards him with comfortable familiarity. Close enough to hear Jean because Jean never raised his voice. Kevin took a deep breath. 

_ He doesn’t want to talk to you.  _

Kevin hated the reminder flitting across his mind. He raised his glass to his lips and found it empty. Begrudgingly, he walked to the table where they were huddled. Jeremy was trying to convince Neil to go dancing but Neil was patiently declining. Most of them had already left, Kevin could see Allison and Sara Alvarez had their phones raised over everyone’s heads, capturing every moment. Renee was speaking with Laila Dermott. He moved aside to let Matt and Dan pass, then slumped down on one of the seats they had vacated. He didn’t look up when Jeremy told them he was leaving to join the rest. Kevin assumed Jean would follow but Jean only nodded and sat down on one of the seats in front of Kevin, albeit very, very reluctantly. Aaron took one look around the table seating his brother, Neil, Kevin and a rather reserved Jean Moreau, looked at the sky as if God was punishing him, then stood up quietly and left. Kevin rolled his eyes and drank more. 

Neil said something to Andrew in German and then they left as well. Neil turned and gave Kevin a pointed look, then disappeared. Kevin hated them a little bit. 

He thought about what Neil went through at the Nest. Wondered if Jean had said anything about him. About them. 

Jean sat stock still, a silence that had stretched over distance now compact and tense in the space between them. 

“You’re not going?” Kevin asked, and recognized his own voice after a minute. He kept his drink down and looked up. Jean’s face betrayed no emotion but Kevin could tell he was surprised by the question. And then he looked away. 

“No”, Jean replied. Kevin knew he wanted to say more and was stopping himself on purpose. He felt irrevocably confused. Was there anything left for them to say? Any way they could move forward?

Kevin knew he had missed Jean more than anything else. 

What sullen materialism had given him all his life mattered nothing, his victories served as faint memories and there were too many to count on his hands. No, from his childhood his mind had been filled with Jean’s company and since then there had only ever been one occupant in his heart. Looking at him now, Kevin was struck by all that he had lost and all that was left to gain. 

There was the fact that no one else would understand him the way Jean did. That he had never let anyone understand him at all. There would only ever be one person but Kevin was helpless, as everyone else was, to his past. There was no going back on this, he decided. He couldn’t take a step forward unless Jean grabbed his hand and dragged him along, the way he had when they were younger. And he knew that was impossible. He drank some more. 

“You’re not going to go either?” Jean asked, in French, after a minute, his arms crossed over the table in front of him. He was sitting in front of Kevin and Kevin was a little more than aware that he had never seen Jean in this light before. Kevin shook his head. 

“I don’t dance.”

“Liar”, Jean said, without missing a beat. Kevin looked at the table so he wouldn’t look at Jean. He knew if he could still read Jean’s face like an open book then his would be just as easy to decipher. What didn't he want to say into the space between them? And here he was, silent as ever. 

“How’s your new team?” Kevin asked. 

“How is yours?” Jean answered, a question with a question. It was an old habit. They’d only been apart for a little more than two years but they’d stayed together for more than a decade. Kevin was lost in his memories but they would ignore it, for now they would speak of the present. 

“They’re the Foxes, I think you know how they are.”

“And you know Jeremy well enough. Why are you asking meaningless questions?” Jean’s eyes were narrowed, Kevin didn’t even need to look to know it. 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“You care about what I want, now?” 

Jean’s voice carried all the frustration Kevin was sure no one else had ever heard. He’d always been careful not to let his emotions slip through but Kevin had years of experience in catching them. Kevin was glad to hear it, he didn’t realize how much he had missed it. He had missed Jean’s accented voice, his anger, his practical kindness and indifference, his concern and his care. His hands. His eyes. It had just been two years or so, it felt like millenia and no time at all. 

“I do, yes”, Kevin said, defiant. He met Jean’s eyes and gave himself the strength of liquid confidence. Jean looked at him in silence for a minute and then slumped back in his chair.

“They’re loud. And confusing.”

Kevin nodded in understanding. He himself wouldn’t know how to react with all the Trojan’s smiles and kindred spirits. The only good thing about the Foxes was that he rarely had to reel in his temper, unless his father intervened. They were all angry at the world and they took it out like hell on the Court, Kevin was more than alright with partaking in the release. 

“They help”, Jean continued. 

“That’s- that’s good”, Kevin said, a little surprised that Jean admitted it. 

“ _ You _ didn’t answer.”

“The Foxes are the Foxes. They’re a bunch of assholes.”

“You fit right in, then.” 

Kevin shrugged. “I suppose.” He wasn’t surprised Jean thought of him as such. 

Jean looked at something or someone behind Kevin and shook his head, then drummed his fingers on the table. 

“How drunk are you?” 

Kevin kept his fifth drink down and shook his head. “Not very.”

Jean looked at him suspiciously then stood. “Get up.”

Kevin stood without question. 

Jean stopped one of the Trojan’s who was carrying his drink to the dance floor. He asked the man to tell Jeremy he was leaving and then headed towards the exit. Kevin looked back in search of his teammates and met Renee’s concerned eyes. He pointed towards the exit and she nodded her head. He followed Jean out the door. 

Outside, the heavy bass of the ridiculous music rang in his ears, the air cold and smelling of dew. Jean didn’t stop to wait for him and set off in a random direction. Kevin looked at his back, confused, then jogged to catch up with him. 

“Where are we going?” He asked. 

Jean didn’t answer. 

“Andrew will kill me if he gets back before I do.” Jean sent him a scathing look at that and Kevin’s eyes widened. 

“Why do you stick to his side like glue? He is not a good person.”

“I’m not either”, Kevin replied and fell into step beside Jean. A mirror image, he felt, to the times they had walked in their Court as children. The violence was unquestionable but Riko found fun in seeing people push their limits. He used to demand they clean the Court after everyone was done playing. Jean used to talk in whispers when he was younger, alway scared of being heard. Kevin would stand as close to him as possible, to support him if he fell and remind him of his presence. He thought about what he would do if he had been in Jean’s place. 

“None of us are good people. That is not what I meant, he reminds me of-” Jean broke off before finishing the sentence and looked eagerly at the buildings they were passing. 

“That place has good ice cream”, he mumbled, pointing at a store and then shoving his hand back into his pocket. 

“Why do you sound so angry about that?” Kevin asked, knowing full well Jean was trying to change the topic. He had no intention of bringing Riko in this conversation. Suddenly, it felt like he had too much to say and one night was not nearly enough. He wanted to talk to Jean, to tell him all that had happened after he left, to hear Jean whisper to him his own grievances. His chest hurt and he swallowed the lump in his throat as Jean seethed beside him at the cause of their nightmares. 

“Do you walk here a lot?” Kevin asked. Jean seemed very sure of where he was going.

“Yes. I don’t like loud noise”, he said. 

“I know”, Kevin whispered. Jean kept on walking, his steps short and quiet. Kevin felt the awkwardness creep in and pushed it aside deliberately. He wanted to fix this. He would fix this. 

“The freshmen this year aren’t very good.” Jean hummed. 

“You cut your hair.” Jean hummed again. 

“I told Coach he is my father.” 

“You told everyone Wymack is your father. It was on the news for days.”

“I want to fix this”, Kevin said, plainly. Honestly. He wanted to fix everything. He’d only just started giving himself another chance, he wasn’t going to give up easily this time. Jean promptly stopped and Kevin stopped with him. He turned to face Kevin and looked him in the eyes. 

“How is your hand?”

Kevin lifted his left arm and pulled back his sleeve to reveal the scattered scars. Jean had seen the condition his hand had been in when he left, the scars were faded now but they wouldn’t ever leave. “Sometimes it hurts.”

“I assume because you don’t know your own limits.”

“I do know. I don’t care about them.”

Jean took Kevin’s hand in his own with easy familiarity. Jean’s own hand was rough and scarred, the fingers bent a bit strangely from when Riko had stepped on and broken them. He lifted Kevin’s hand gingerly and Kevin was too still, his pulse too fast. They both gazed forlorn at his hand, mirror to yet another time in their lives. An old friend, that’s what they thought Jean was to him.

Kevin didn’t have the strength to talk about Jean Moreau with anyone. Not even the man himself, apparently. Words overwhelmed him once more but he said nothing. Jean let go and shifted on his feet.

“I know you want to talk about him. I know because you won’t be able to say anything else until you’ve talked him out of your mind.”

“You’re wrong”, Kevin whispered, his brows furrowed. “I don’t want to talk about him at all.” 

Jean gave him another look which cursed him out as a liar. “What, exactly”, Jean began slowly, “are you trying to fix, Kevin?” 

“Everything”, Kevin said into the space between them. Kevin remembered when he had seen Jean for the first time after joining the Foxes, at the fall banquet. He remembered the facade and a script which Riko must have handed to him. When Jean had greeted him then it had been with severe irritation but when their eyes had met neither had looked away. They had asked and answered a million questions in the breadth of a moment. 

Something similar was happening now, except that neither of them were barred from speaking anymore. Kevin couldn’t- wouldn’t talk about Riko. He wouldn’t give him the power of interruption anymore, wouldn’t give him any power at all. 

“I want to talk about you. I want to talk to you”, Kevin said. 

Jean scratched his nose, a nervous habit. He feigned indifference and said, “Talk then.” 

Kevin narrowed his eyes and shook his head at the act. He turned away and started walking. Jean let out a breath and joined him again. 

“Any other place you like here?” 

“Small talk?” Jean grimaced. 

“You won’t make it easy so I’ll play along”, Kevin said, exasperated. Jean chewed his bottom lip, contemplating. He looked confused, worried even. Kevin knew he was right. They wouldn’t be able to talk at all until they moved past Riko’s death. 

“I didn’t react well to it”, Kevin began. “We found out before leaving the Nest after the game, I stayed back with my father. They- The rest of them didn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. I thought to ask how you took it but I wasn’t in any place to ask questions.”

“I took it as well as you did”, Jean shrugged with a frown. He kicked a stray pebble in front of him. Kevin recognized the street from their hotel and turned. Jean continued, “I didn’t believe it at first. I thought they were covering up and he was just out there, free to do as he pleased. I couldn’t sleep for days.”

“Neil was there, he said it was bloody.”

“He deserved it.”

“He did. I cried.”

“You always used to. Every time. Even if I was the one suffering”, Jean admitted. 

The thing was, knowing someone as intimately as they did, time and space made little difference to the mind. They started talking and whatever surprises they had in store with their statements were welcome. Kevin sighed in relief and passed the hotel, walking back and forth in the same street. They stood as close as they used to and they whispered. 

Kevin nodded along when Jean finally admitted the difficulty of settling down with the Trojans. He wasn’t going to fit in and he constantly had to keep his arrogance in check lest he offend these kind-hearted souls. Kevin snorted and told him he would also fit in with the Foxes but Jean shut him down immediately. 

“Orange is a crime”, Jean said. 

Kevin expected that, but it still made him smile. 

“Suits you, though”, Jean elaborated, hesitantly. Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Does it?” 

“Yes”, Jean admitted. “Somehow. You manage.” 

Kevin’s phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Neil. 

“Where are you?” Neil asked, breathless. 

“At the hotel. When will you be back?” 

“Just leaving”, Neil said, droned out by Nicky’s screams and the club music. Kevin hung up and slipped the phone back in his pocket, rubbing his eyes. He took a deep breath and found Jean staring at him intently. A moment later, Jean held out his hand and gestured to Kevin’s pocket. Kevin placed his phone in Jean’s hand and Jean immediately began to fidget with it. He looked at Kevin with pursed lips as they walked back to the hotel. In front of it, they stopped and Jean opened the phone to enter his own number. His own phone rang in his pocket and he cut the call. 

Shoving the phone to Kevin’s chest, he let his hand linger. Kevin’s hand curled around his, so the phone wouldn’t fall. 

“Fix it”, Jean said, and turned around to leave. Kevin watched him go and heard the sounds of the rental cars reaching the hotel. It was a strange but desirable idea to have Jean be the one leaving this time. He stared after him and slowly kept his phone back in his pocket. 

  
  


_ The music coming from the Master’s office was some strange orchestra piece. It drifted in and out, rising and falling and with every difficult breath Kevin took. He struggled to stand, his bruised side clutched tight in his hand. Jean rushed back to his side, his feet quiet even when running. _

_ He handed Kevin the ice pack, ignoring the bruise on his own face and took Kevin’s weight in his arms. They walked together to their rooms but even the doors weren’t enough to keep the sound of the Master’s music out.  _

_ “You’re okay”, Jean stated, settling him down on his bed. Kevin took a deep breath and it hurt so much he winced. “Careful. Don’t breathe”, Jean said, in French.  _

_ Kevin let out a low laugh. “Riko would love it if I stopped breathing”, he said.  _

_ “Oh”, Jean said. “Keep breathing, then. Spite him.”  _

_ Kevin let out another laugh and then hissed at the pain. “Why’d he have to hit here? it’s going to be so difficult to play.”  _

_ “You wouldn’t have been hit if you hadn’t stepped in front of me.” Jean kept his hand over Kevin’s on the ice pack. “Lie down”, he pushed Kevin back.  _

_ “I can’t let him hit you. I don’t want you hurt.”  _

_ “He will hurt me anyway”, Jean whispered, taking Kevin’s hand. “If you show him you care, he will use me against you.”  _

_ “I do care”, Kevin said, with childish honesty.  _

_ “I know”, Jean replied, with great grief.  _

_ Kevin lifted the ice pack to Jean’s face. Jean cradled the pack in both their hands.  _

_ “I want to leave this place.” _

_ “Where would you go? Back to Marseille?”Kevin asked.  _

_ “No. Maybe. I don’t know. I like this music, what do you think it's called?” _

_ “Something stupid, I bet.” _

  
  


Kevin loved classical music. It calmed him down and let him focus. He’d grown up listening to different pieces rarely knowing what they were called. He rediscovered most of them when he came to Palmetto and if they reminded him of Jean, that was for him to know and for everyone else to ignore, the way they always did. 

He had never talked about the Nest. He didn’t think he could speak to anyone with any level of emotional vulnerability except Jean. In his mind, he had convinced himself he would see Jean again but he had never contacted him because if Riko found out, it would have been hell. Once, when he’d been exploring musical pieces he’d run across one Jean had asked him the name of. But he had no way to tell him that he knew. 

Now, Kevin stared at the phone in his hand, sitting cross legged on the beanbag chair. Neil walked in and sat in front of him, mirroring his position. “Why do you look like that?” Neil asked. 

Kevin shrugged. Then shook his head. Then pocketed his phone and told Neil to stand up for night practice. 

His phone buzzed the next day and he flipped it open, expecting something from Coach. It was Jean. He tried to school his features into neutrality but his brow furrowed with worry. 

_ jeremy bakes a lot _

He stared wide-eyed at the message. Jeremy did look like someone who baked a lot. 

_ Anything you like?  _ He asked. 

_ Cookies. The oatmeal ones.  _ Jean replied. 

_ Noted.  _

He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the day. Afte night practice, Kevin couldn’t resist. 

_ Andrew baked something once.  _

_ gremlin  _

_ He’s not so bad.  _

_ I heard some rumours of a bruising incident  _

_ Change the topic  _

_ Go to sleep  _

Kevin stared at his phone for another minute. Two. Three. Then wrote. 

_ Four Seasons. _

Jean’s reply came a few minutes later. 

_ I know.  _

  
  


_ The Ravens won championships for the first time. Kevin had taken a last minute goal and as soon as the buzzer sounded, rushed to Jean.  _

_ He didn’t wait for Riko, ran straight for Jean and wrapped him in a victorious hug. Jean looped his arm around him and gave a low warning that Riko was headed their way. Kevin was dazed by the win, he didn’t care about Riko, who clamped his hand over Kevin’s shoulder and squeezed. It was painful even through the gear.  _

_ The music drifted from the Master’s room again. It was the same piece. _

_ Riko had taken a new pleasure in beating people with his racquets. He’d broken almost five of them, the fifth on its way as it came lashing down on Kevin’s back after Jean’s. It was some grotesque imitation of the Master and his cane. Riko was always trying to be someone else.  _

_ Kevin kept his breathing steady until Riko got tired of them. He spat on the floor next to Kevin and turned around to leave the room and clean himself up. As soon as he left Kevin turned to his crumpled companion and whispered his name.  _

_ “Jean.” _

_ Jean hummed and straightened onto his back. Then to his side to face Kevin. “Ouch.” _

_ “Hypocrite”, Kevin said, taking Jean’s hand between them. “Always telling me not to come in between but you’re the one who-”  _

_ Jean raised his free hand to Kevin’s face, pulled him closer and pressed their lips together. Kevin didn’t have the strength to raise his other arm yet but he squeezed Jean’s hand between them. Jean pulled away and rested their foreheads together.  _

_ “Do that again.” _

_ Jean kissed him again.  _

_ “Again.” _

_ Once more.  _

_ Jean pushed Kevin back and rested his head on Kevin’s chest. “I want to leave this place.” _

_ “Last time it was Indonesia, wasn’t it?” Jean hummed in agreement.  _

_ “Where are we going this time?” Kevin whispered. He knew they should get up and clean before Riko got back but chances were, with the sullen way Riko had behaved in front of the press, they weren’t the only ones who would be bruised today. The Master wasn’t happy and Riko knew it. He let Jean talk and held him close.  _

  
  


Kevin texted him more and more everyday. Sometimes Jean told him about the Trojan’s, other times Kevin left him questions which didn’t receive responses for days. Kevin was worried but he was also curious. He had always admired Jeremy Knox for his captaincy, team spirit and passion, in many ways Jeremy was who Kevin so desperately wished to be, if only he weren’t so painfully judgemental and blunt. Kevin could see Jean was comfortable around Jeremy, during interviews, games, even at the club, and from the constant messages he became settled. Jean was in good hands, now. There was a reason he had chosen the Trojan’s for him. They were loud and unlike anything he knew but they were so far from the harm Jean had grown used to. Kevin was glad. 

No one had mentioned his endless texting, yet. When he wasn’t on his phone he stared deeply at the blank screen, trying to multitask. As soon as a message arrived all else was abandoned without a second thought. Kevin thought sometimes that he was entirely hopeless. 

“Would you kill me if I asked who you’re texting?” Neil asked one day at Sweeties, with his mouth full of dinner. Aaron sent him a disdainful look and told him to shut up. 

“Yes”, Kevin replied, absentmindedly, without looking away from his phone. Jean was telling him about their game and how shocking it was to find out that these people had no routine whatsoever. Kevin wasn’t surprised in the least that Jean had trouble getting used to the chaos. The Nest’s strict routine and million rules were something he had to grow out of. He hoped Jean would be able to do the same. 

It would take time but they had it now, they had their lives to live and sometimes Kevin was numbed by the idea of that control.

Nicky stopped talking about his marketing class and gasped. “You have a new girlfriend!”

Kevin rolled his eyes and stole fries off his plate in response. Jean had switched over to telling Kevin about the Trojan’s mostly fast food diet and Kevin glanced around the table in front of him before passing his own judgement on the Foxes. Jean told him he liked bubble tea. 

“Does Sweetie’s have bubble tea?” Kevin asked without a second thought. The table fell uncharacteristically silent and when he looked up he found everyone staring at him in silence and a little bit of shock. Except Neil, who looked confused. 

“What’s bubble tea?” Neil asked. Nicky put his face in his hands and groaned. Neil made a face at Kevin and Kevin shrugged. Kevin looked back down at his phone to respond. 

Once Nicky was done exaggerating he told them he would be getting them both bubble tea as soon as he possibly could. Kevin couldn’t wait to see what was so good about it. 

  
  


Neil almost choked on the bubble tea. 

Nicky got it for them the very next day and stared at them in anticipation for their reaction. Andrew glared at the bubble tea and kept it as far as he could but Neil insisted he liked it and shared some with Andrew. Kevin had a feeling it was Andrew’s first time trying it as well and sure enough, he drank most of it. And then drank Kevin’s too as Kevin grabbed his phone. 

_ Bubble tea is not good.  _

_ I’m sorry about your tastebuds. _

_ I’m sorry about yours. _

  
  


After winning the game against Breckenridge, Kevin received a phone call from Jeremy. Since everyone else was out, he picked up without getting out of bed. 

“Congratulations!” Jeremy cheered. “You are on loudspeaker and”, Jeremy drawled, “it is an honour to be defeated by Kevin Day, Breckenridge should be grateful.” 

Despite his sour mood towards the many errors the Foxes could have avoided, Kevin found himself smiling at Jeremy’s cheer. 

“You’d know”, he replied. “I don’t plan on letting you win again.”

“Oh, c’mon. It’s my last year, I’ll die before I let you have that trophy two years in a row.”

Kevin knew with the freshmen the team had a large divide once more - which would be Neil’s headache to fix next year - and they had very little chance of winning this year but he wasn’t going to be let down just yet. 

“Plan your own funeral”, he replied. 

“Your friend doesn’t want me dead, Kevin. I’m his favorite Exy player.”

Kevin was amused. It was a rarity to have a conversation so disconnected from the mockery of his past but still involved in it. Kevin was enjoying this banter. 

“You always have been. He used to cheer for you during our games.”

Jeremy laughed, loudly. It was rather infectious. Then, he heard a groan and Jean’s voice drift from somewhere near Jeremy in an attempt to defend himself. 

“Jean says you were the one cheering me on, Kevin, don’t lie to me. Would you like an autograph?” Kevin would love an autograph. He repressed the desire to say yes and asked, “Do you want mine?” 

“Obviously”, Jeremy admitted. “I want your autograph tattooed on my forehead.”

Kevin laughed at the image and could almost see Jean shaking his head at the comment. “Is Jean shaking his head?” 

“He is, he is”, Jeremy laughed as well. “He wants to talk to you, I’m handing over the phone.” 

“Hello”, Jean said, carefully. 

“Hello”, Kevin replied slowly and hugged his pillow closer to himself. 

“Congratulations.” 

“Thank you”, Kevin breathed. 

“My therapist thinks I should keep talking to you”, Jean switched over to French. 

“Oh?” Kevin said. “I am  _ professionally advised _ .” 

“You are a nuisance.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am  _ strongly recommended _ .” Kevin thought for a moment how he would never be able to speak to anyone else with such ease.

“Shut up. That’s not what she said.”

“They fucked up the game today.”

“I know. They were not raised with the same standards as us.”

“Fortunately”, Kevin said. He grew tired of his own expectations sometimes. It would be easier to take things easy but everyone else’s ‘it’s just a sport’ only reminded him of how much it wasn’t just a sport for him, or Jean and Neil. 

“I found more orchestra pieces. A few of them sound like something you might like.”

“Send them to me.” Kevin’s heart settled. Jean was on the other end of the line and he sounded unmistakably whole. There was no pain in his voice but Kevin could feel an air of detachment and it made him worry. 

“Are you alright?” Kevin asked, after a few minutes of conversation. 

Silence.

“I think so”, Jean muttered. “It’s difficult. The other day I sat in the library alone for four hours. Jeremy came to check on me eventually but only to make sure I had eaten and wasn’t planning on going hungry for the day. They need a lot of” Jean sighed, “reassurance to believe I am okay.” 

“So do I”, Kevin said, honestly. “You remind me of Neil in that sense. I know you well enough to know that you’re not always telling the truth about yourself.” 

“I have no reason to lie anymore.” 

Kevin bit his lower lip and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I wanted to fly out to see you”, Kevin said. Jean paused.

“Jeremy would love that.”  _ Jeremy.  _

“And you?” Kevin asked. Jean ignored the question.

“In the summer, maybe. He will be very happy to take you to the beach, it is very calm in the mornings.” 

“And you?” Kevin repeated, with a small smile. 

“I will see you then”, Jean said and hung up. 

  
  


_ When Jean arrived Kevin was eight.  _

_ The first few times Riko hit Jean, Kevin didn’t try to stop him. But, he couldn’t watch. He could never watch someone else’s misery, he thought he got the worst of it because Riko thought he was like a toy. Riko told him brother’s beat their brothers all the time and since Kevin was younger he would have to deal with it.  _

_ Kevin didn’t know if he was younger or not but no one would tell him Riko’s birthday. No one ever celebrated birthdays at the Nest. He remembered his mother’s bright smile and the cake she helped him cut when he turned six. He thought of her often and missed her so much it made him cry. He thought in his head that he was only eight years old and he would see her again when he was older but he knew it was not possible. His mother was gone for good.  _

_ Then he thought it was a good thing she was dead. If people like Riko and the Master existed then she was safer in a place where she could never suffer at their hands. But now Jean was here and he would suffer like Kevin had. He didn’t want to see it.  _

_ But then he didn’t have a choice. Riko wouldn’t let him leave. _

_ When Riko beat him Jean tried to struggle. But again and again Riko made him climb the stairs just to push him off. And if Jean tried to catch himself Riko kicked him.  _

_ When Kevin had fallen off the stairs in the apartment where he used to live, his mother had put a bandaid on his knee and said it would be alright. She had said to him he would dance again in no time. Kevin didn’t know how to dance and he’d told her as much.  _

_ “Nonsense”, she had said with a dismissive hand. “Of course you know how to dance. I will teach you, on your feet.” _

_ “But it hurts.” _

_ “It will hurt less with time. You’ve got to always dance with your mother, Kev.”  _

_ She had taken Kevin’s small hands in her own and spun him around the room and Kevin had forgotten the pain for a little while.  _

_ When Riko was tired - and he always did get tired - he left to clean himself up and Kevin saw Jean quivering on the floor, sobbing. He didn’t scream for his mother like Kevin still did sometimes. Kevin began to cry. He walked to Jean’s body and crouched down beside him. Jean looked at him through his tears and said, “Please, don’t.” His voice was so wretched Kevin didn’t think he could speak for a second.  _

_ “I won’t hurt you”, he whispered. “Where does it hurt?” he asked, like his mother had.  _

_ “Everywhere”, Jean sobbed.  _

_ “It will hurt less with time”, Kevin said, eager to hear his mothers words again. “Do you know how to dance?” _

_ Jean looked at him confused. He muttered some curse in French.  _

_ “C’mon, I’ll teach you.”  _

_ Jean shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t dance like this, my legs hurt.”  _

_ “It will hurt less with time”, Kevin insisted, eight years old with no knowledge of whether it would or wouldn’t.  _

_ “You promise?” Jean sniffled and took Kevin’s hand for the first time.  _

_ “Yes. I promise”, he said, hoping he meant it.  _

_ He helped Jean to his feet and Jean stumbled. Kevin took his weight, he was shorter than Kevin and did not weigh much. Kevin took both his hands in his but Jean couldn’t stand straight so Kevin let him put his hands on his shoulders.  _

_ “Do you even know how to dance?” Jean asked, exasperated. He had stopped crying but his voice sounded strange, like there was a lump in his throat.  _

_ “Yes”, Kevin said. “My mother taught me.” _

_ He moved to the side a little and Jean stepped on his feet. He concentrated on swaying them both from side to side. His mother had hugged him too. He put his hands on Jean’s waist and held him up.  _

_ “My mother never taught me anything”, Jean said.  _

_ “My mother told me once that crying is good. But crying isn’t easy here. You have to hide it from Riko or he will hurt you more.” _

_ Jean cursed again. Kevin kept swaying them side to side as Jean leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder.  _

_ “How old are you?” Kevin asked.  _

_ “Almost eight, I think”, Jean said.  _

_ “When is your birthday?”  _

_ They were barely moving at all. If someone saw them it would look like Kevin was holding Jean and shaking from side to side while standing stock still. It was nothing like what his mother had taught him but Jean was in too much pain to move properly. Kevin told himself he was strong and leaned back to let Jean slouch on him more.  _

_ “I don’t know”, Jean said.  _

_ “Why?” Kevin asked.  _

_ “No one told me.”  _

_ “Oh”, Kevin said. They were quiet for another minute as they swayed and Jean began to cry again.  _

_ “Will you still dance with me when we are older?” he said, sniffling into Kevin’s shoulder. He was shaking again. Kevin felt himself break. He missed his mother and he was tired of being hurt all the time. He was scared and lost and half the time he didn’t know what was happening or going to happen. But he wasn’t alone anymore, he had Jean now. He began to cry as well. He was supposed to always dance with his mother but she would never ask him again. But he had Jean. He could dance with Jean.  _

_ “Yes”, he said. “I promise.” He knew he meant it this time.  _

  
  


A childish wish is what it was. He’d carried it like a dream in his pocket not knowing what to do or where to put it. He thought he liked the weight of the promise he had made to Jean all those years ago. It gave him the assurance that they were still alive and one day it would happen. 

Summer was a month away. The championship was ending and the Foxes hadn’t made it to finals this time but USC had and most of them were gathered in the girl’s dorm to watch. It was his last year and Kevin kept wondering how he was supposed to take Neil seriously as a captain.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of Jean when he was on Court. 

The only reason why the Foxes thought nothing could distract him from Exy was because they didn’t know how much he thought about Jean. 

Jean played for USC with an unparalleled ferocity. Jeremy’s encouragement and his support from the other teammates made it look easy but Kevin noticed miscommunication on Court as easily as someone else would notice a bad smell. Jean had told him as much. He didn’t always reign in his temper when it came to the Trojan’s but he thought with time he would get better. They knew what to expect and quarrels weren’t uncommon but they were more than willing to accept him as he was even though he didn’t know who he was. Kevin was curious to see the way they both would turn out to be now that they had the time they’d prayed for.

“You’ve been texting him, haven’t you?” Neil asked from beside him on the floor. The freshmen weren’t here and it was only the nine of them, the ones who had given their all last year to wreck Riko and the Ravens. Kevin froze at the question but found no reason to avoid it. He would be flying out in the summer, it would only cause problems to hide it. 

He nodded. 

He expected Neil to reprimand him but to his surprise, Neil asked, “How is he doing?”

“Focus on the match and you’ll see.” 

Neil rolled his eyes. “I meant-”

“I know. He’s safe and that’s what matters. He’s never played without injury before, he’s much better now.” Neil nodded. 

“Pity it’s Jeremy’s last match.” 

Kevin hummed. 

“He’s going to be a professional player, nothing pitiful. Focus. You need to make Court, remember that.”

“I  _ will  _ make Court”, Neil said, with a careless shrug. Kevin gave him a look. 

“Not with that attitude.”

“You are impossible to satisfy”, Neil groaned.

“Shut up.”

The Trojans won. 

Kevin waited till the next day to call Jeremy in congratulation. 

“It’s been a good run. I’ll miss these losers”, Jeremy said.

“You’re not going off to war.”

“I don’t want to go at all, new teams are so terrifying I don’t know how Jean handled us.”

Kevin wanted to say the alternative was worse but he didn’t. Jeremy passed the phone over to Jean eventually and Kevin relaxed on his bed. It was mid-day and he could hear Nicky and Aaron playing video games in the main room. Andrew and Neil had disappeared, as usual. After five minutes of usual chatter, Jean cut the call abruptly. Kevin stared at his phone in confusion until it began to ring again. 

“I had to give back Jeremy’s phone”, he explained when Kevin picked up. 

Kevin yawned into the back of his hand while saying, “I guessed.”

“No, you didn’t. You’re a terrible guesser.”

“I can guess you’re wearing your Trojan’s hoodie right now.”

“I’m not. That hoodie is too warm for this weather.”

“Did you find any new music?” 

“No, I haven’t been getting time to do much. I was studying and trying to...function. Alone.”

“Good luck”, Kevin said. “I usually-”

“Read. Yes, you’ve told me many times. History and whatnot. Do you let the others talk at all?”

Kevin paused, trying to think of an answer. He was strict with the Foxes about Exy and they were usually bustling around him but he didn’t actually have anyone to talk to. He didn’t know how to say that to Jean and ruin the idea that he was doing completely alright when he was struggling in many regards. It didn’t matter what he wanted either way, it was impossible. There was no one here who could tolerate him long enough to let him talk about his interests. 

“They talk enough”, he said, eventually. 

_ “Talking about fallen empires will stop my nosebleed?”  _

_ “Shut up, I’m trying to distract you.” _

_ “Liar. You just want to talk about the Romans.” Jean’s voice was muffled by the cloth he was holding up to his face while Kevin paced around, blabbering.  _

_ “I can talk about something else if you want.” _

_ “Talk about them in French.” _

  
  


There were a billion things wrong with this world and Kevin could barely help himself to be able to help someone else. No one on the team was faring well, nothing was okay and everything was falling apart. 

It was one thing to be away from their pasts and another to recover from it. 

It was finals week and Kevin had been struck by a lack of any sort of motivation. He had a paper tomorrow and as much as he’d tried to cram for it there were things he didn’t understand and would never understand about mathematics. So, he was sitting in the main room drowning his sorrows in alcohol and ignoring everyone. 

He wished Neil and Andrew were closer to him, so they’d ask after him if he wasn’t in strict mortal danger. He wanted to be closer to the girls but they were leaving so it would be useless anyway. Aaron wasn’t around enough and Nicky was always friendly but it was difficult to get a word in when he was rambling. Kevin was tired of keeping his mouth shut. He was tired of having no one to talk to. 

He thought and then he thought some more and he came to the drunken conclusion that he wanted to scream at the world every grievance he had ever faced and watch their faces fill with indeterminable horror and guilt. He wanted to feel like he was worth something to himself. He wanted to feel like he wasn’t a useless person needing a crutch at every inconvenience. 

He wanted to feel like he wasn’t slowly rotting away. 

It was hard to do that with the strong taste of vodka lingering in his mouth.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out with bleary eyes. He’d left the lights off to advance the hopelessness. 

_ Renee says you’re being pathetic lately  _

He tried to type but nothing felt coherent. His phone began to ring. 

“Are you dying?” Jean asked, with slight concern. 

“Am not.”

“You’re drunk. It’s eleven pm on a Tuesday, Kevin. Why are you drunk?”

“Am not”, Kevin repeated and drank more. 

“Where is everyone else?”

“Don’t know. Am fine.”

“I’m asking Renee to check up on you-”

“Don’t”, Kevin said and cut the call. He stared at the phone screen and blinked once. Twice. Slowly, he felt himself drifting to sleep. 

He woke up gasping for air. The bottle from his hand dropped to the carpet on the floor and spilled. He cursed before standing up shakily. The lights switched on before he had a chance to stumble to them and he grabbed the bottle off the floor and slumped back down on the warm couch. Prying hands took the bottle from him and he tried to keep his grip on it but he was so, so tired. 

“Tell me why you’re being an idiot”, Andrew’s voice asked. 

“No”, Kevin said before closing his eyes and curling up. 

“Let him sleep it off.”

The voices drifted and so did Kevin, not knowing or caring where he was. 

He dreamt of Jean. 

_ “Stupid, useless moron. He is insufferable and he will never be better than you”, Jean whispered angrily in French after Riko cut lines onto Kevin’s back because Tetsuji praised Kevin once. _

_ “It’s raining, I can hear it”, Jean said while cleaning the Court one night. “I want to see it.” _

__

_ “You’re leaving.” Jean stepped away from him when he saw his broken hand. It was the first time he hadn’t rushed to Kevin’s side at an injury. Kevin couldn’t stop crying then. He remembered it so clearly.  _

Kevin felt phantom pain in his hand for all of finals week. 

His flight was in two days and he was terrified. He’d never flown alone before and even though he knew what to do his heart still thundered at the idea of not having anyone by his side. The idea of seeing Jean calmed his nerves but only so much. 

“Take Andrew with you”, Wymack said to him a day before his flight, while he was sorting files on new recruits. 

He looked up confused. “There’s no need.”

“He’s going to be a disaster when you’re out of his sight. He’ll look after you.”

Kevin stilled. How much did Andrew look after him now that he had Neil? They had barely spoken in the past few weeks. 

“He hates flying. He won’t go.”

“Neil offered.” 

“Neil doesn’t go anywhere without Andrew.” 

“Take them both then”, Wymack sighed, a little worried. Kevin hated it. Hated being someone they still thought they had to protect. Hated himself for knowing it was true to a certain degree. How would he react if something terrible happened there? Would he freeze like he always did or did he have some newfound fight in him?

He’d survived in the Nest long enough without any of them and he was going back to the one person who knew all his horrors and still considered him a friend. He was more grateful to Jean than he was to anyone else in the world. 

“There’s no need”, Kevin said, his tone final. 

There might have been some need, Kevin thought, as he boarded the plane alone. His leg bounced and he felt a little sick but after a little while of uncontrollable fear he convinced himself nothing was out of place or harmful here. He’d figure it out, he was fine. He took a deep breath and thought about what he would say to Jean and then thought about it again. And again and again and again until he was out of the plane and at the airport looking for the man himself. 

He spotted Jeremy first and thought for a second Jean hadn’t come at all but there he was the next second, looking small despite his height. He was wearing a plain black shirt, sleeves covering his entire arms and bunched up in his hands like he’d been wringing them nervously. 

“Kevin!” Jeremy called as soon as they saw each other. Kevin met Jean’s eyes briefly then turned to Jeremy to greet him. Jeremy pulled him into a side hug and began talking immediately, carrying the conversation with ease. He looked happy to have Kevin there and as always he could see no speck of ingenuity in his voice. 

Jean didn’t say a word to him. 

Kevin felt his heart drop with every passing second, wondering if that was how it would be between them for the whole week. Maybe it was easier to talk when it wasn’t face to face. Maybe it was easier to stop talking entirely. Maybe this would be the final goodbye. A summer trip and then nothing.

He grew steadily forlorn in the passenger seat of Jeremy’s truck. 

They arrived at Coach Rhemman’s house where Kevin would be staying. He’d offered to stay at a hotel but Jean had insisted, saying it was more or less the same as Abby’s place. The dorms would close in a few days and Jean would be staying at Coach Rhemman’s place as well. A lot of the Trojan’s were heading back to their families but most of them had families close to campus as well, as Jeremy had informed him. Some of them were sitting at the dining table inside the house, the table littered with food and the house smelling like dessert.

“Alvarez and Jeremy will take any excuse to bake”, Laila Dermott explained after a greeting. 

They were all pleased to have Kevin there and by the end of the day Kevin had spoken to more people than he thought he could but he still hadn’t spoken to Jean. To be fair, he hadn’t noticed Jean speaking with anyone at all. 

Eventually, Jeremy showed him to his room and told him to rest for as long as he wanted. Kevin tugged his luggage inside and shut the door behind him. The room was unfamiliar but welcoming and it smelled like lavender. He counted five scented candles. Then, he sat on his bed and pulled out his phone. Wymack had messaged him to let him know when he settled down and there was another message from Neil asking if he was alive. He replied with a heartfelt ‘fuck you’. 

Neil replied back almost immediately: no thanks :p

Kevin rolled his eyes and slumped back on the bed, sighing deeply. He was exhausted and he really did need sleep but he needed to organize his stuff before he did. He took out some important stuff from his suitcase and he was trifling with it, looking for pajamas, when a knock sounded on the door. 

“Come in”, he said without looking up. Jean peeked through the door cautiously before stepping inside and closing the door behind him. Kevin was sitting on the floor next to his suitcase and when he looked up he stilled. 

Jean sat down on the floor beside him. 

Kevin was suddenly aware of his entire self in a way he hadn’t been a second ago. He could feel every inch of himself as real as he was and more than that he felt seen because Jean was looking at him with none of the hatred Kevin had been dreading. They were alone.

“Hello”, Jean whispered. 

“Hey”, Kevin said. Jean looked down and wrung his hand like Kevin had thought he would. He wouldn’t meet Kevin’s eyes. 

“How was the flight?” 

“It was alright. How are you?” 

“I-”, Jean stopped. He stopped entirely but his face looked lost in a query, like he was trying to ask either himself or Kevin a question. He looked at Kevin once more and then - unexpectedly, surprisingly - reached forward and put his arms around Kevin, hiding his face in Kevin’s neck. Kevin’s eyes widened. They were still sitting on the floor so Kevin moved forward as he wrapped his own arms around Jean’s shoulders. 

There was nothing new about this. In fact, it felt like a nostalgic amalgamation of all that Kevin had missed and craved so badly. There were a billion moments before this where he had held Jean but none as content and safe as this. 

They’d made it. 

Jean didn’t say anything, his grip on Kevin fierce. Kevin remembered this intensity only in the last time they had held each other, moments before Kevin had left. Kevin had thought it would be the end, then. But it wasn’t.

He couldn’t explain to anyone, not even himself, how happy he was in this moment. It was as if all other emotions had ceased to exist leaving behind him and Jean and their arms around each other. It’s all that mattered. 

A minute later Jean moved back, his face clear of any emotion. Kevin’s arms fell limp beside him, missing Jean already. 

“You’re not going to leave again, are you?” 

Jean glared at him. Kevin almost smiled at the irony in his question. 

“I’m happy to see you”, Kevin said. Jean didn’t say anything for a long time, only looked at him and away. Kevin felt himself relax, looking back almost unblinking. He was so happy to see him.

“I missed you”, they said at the same time and their eyes met and they laughed.

There was an easy fondness in Kevin’s eyes, he could feel it like a presence of its own and he hoped Jean could see it too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked or spotted any errors! Thank you for reading! Talk to me on my tumblr: [kevindavidday](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kevindavidday)


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